Will this marriage ever be about love? - The Boston Globe

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Q. I have been married to my husband for over two years now. We are sort of an arranged match as in we were introduced by our families. But the decision to marry was entirely ours, and my husband was clear that he did expect love in the marriage. Our long-term goals and values are similar. It made sense.

After we got married, he decided to get medical help for an ongoing problem with anxiety. I know the bare minimum about this, that he’s getting medical help and a lot of it had to do with his work, which is extremely competitive. I never forced him to talk about something that obviously made him uncomfortable.

In terms of showing affection, he holds my hand sometimes in bed, and that’s about it. He’s never said ”I love you” to me, but I never doubted it. And I didn’t say the same, because I know it puts pressure on the other person to reciprocate.

All this changed some six months back when I discovered that he had been looking up his ex online. For context, they met in college, fell in love, wanted to get married, but eventually broke off the engagement some six to seven years before he met me because their values and future goals were too far apart. I asked him about it and he told me it was curiosity, which I would have understood if it was a one-off thing, but he was looking her up regularly. [To improve emotional intimacy basic communication,] he asked me to ask him three questions every weekend and he’ll answer them.

Unfortunately that month, a few things happened together. His doctor reduced his medication and something stressful came up at work. Also, I found out that I was pregnant. It’s something that’s very important to him, but he wasn’t even able to express happiness on that; he was doing that badly.

The last six months, I have focused on supporting him. The whole “opening up and talking more” idea has taken a backseat.

I have had my insecure moments and in one of them I took him up on his offer of looking up his e-mails and social media. She remains blocked everywhere. However, I did find old e-mails between them. I understand now how he and I are much more compatible (they fought). This gave me a lot of reassurance. But he also was a lot more open with her than he has ever been with me. There are open expressions of love; he wrote her poetry. And all I’ve gotten is him holding hands with me. Lately that also comes right before we’re intimate, and I wonder if that’s the only thing I mean to him.

I know it’s unfair to expect someone to express love in the ways that you want. I had assumed that it was because he wasn’t comfortable with displaying affection, but that’s clearly not the case. And I don’t know how to bring this up with him without causing him to become anxious again. I don’t know if my undemanding nature is what is at fault here. Should I throw tantrums like her to get attention from him? How can that be healthy?

TAKEN FOR GRANTED

A. If possible, find a therapist who can help you figure out how to support someone with anxiety without losing yourself.

Also talk to that person about why you got married and your expectations for relationship growth. Yes, this union was blessed by family, so I get why it felt right. I also understand the belief that intimacy grows over time. But maybe the evolution you wanted isn’t happening. Maybe your husband doesn’t want it to.

Regardless, you’re not getting what you want. If that’s the case, can you stay?

Tantrums are not the answer here. They’re not even in your DNA, it seems. But questions are. Maybe it’s time to ask how you both define a good marriage.

Is this the marriage he wants? On the best day, when you have time to focus on each other and there’s no anxiety, will there be hand-holding and you coming up with a list of questions? Or more?

I understand the pregnancy changes a lot, but it doesn’t alter what you both see as happiness. If he’s content with things as a they are (as far as emotional intimacy goes), that’s no good for you. If he’s unhappy too, well, that’s something. It means you both need to take steps in some direction, whether it’s together or on your own.

Make one of your three questions about whether the status quo is good enough for him and then consider next steps.

MEREDITH

READERS RESPOND:

It’s extremely sad that one of the most important facts of your extensive letter is buried with zero attention, emotion, or joy. You’re pregnant and, seriously, your husband has to get it together, pronto. That’s what the focus of both of you needs to be about! Can you imagine what this baby’s life will be like growing up in your dreary marriage. Where’s all the happiness?!

LUPELLOVE

“Anxiety” is not an excuse to ice out your partner, refuse to open up about anything, and to chronically fantasize about your ex.

BONECOLD

You are allowed to add to his anxiety by telling him that it is affecting YOU. Part of dealing with anxiety is DEALING WITH ANXIETY. He needs to know that you have reasonable expectations and that he needs to meet them to keep your relationship going. Your marriage should be a give-and-take; right now, it seems that all he’s doing is the taking and it is fair for you to demand that he does some of the giving. Good luck.

BLISTERED-TOE

You can choose happiness for yourself and your child. IMO it is your responsibility as a parent to do so.

EACB

Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.

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