After five years with a married man, he’s getting divorced — and he dumped me - The Boston Globe

Q. I had an affair with a man for more than five years. We had ups and downs. I got divorced shortly after we met. He is now separated, and about to start the divorce process. His wife moved out six months ago. He has two kids — early college age.

This man now just wants to be friends.

I am heartbroken and having a very hard time wrapping my head around why he’s doing this now. He says he needs (and wants) to put his life back together, deal with his kids, and focus on how his divorce is going to play out.

Am I wrong to be this upset? Or do I give him the space he needs and let him figure out his life?

– Confused

A. You have to give him space because there’s no other option. He doesn’t want to be in this romantic relationship right now. Disappointing for you, but that’s his decision.

What you don’t have to deal with is an unhealthy friendship. You didn’t sign up to be a confidant with no romantic connection. He can go work on his life, and you can set your own boundaries. Maybe it’s best if you avoid each other for a while. That will be difficult, but you do not want to be demoted after five years of building what you thought was something more.

You ask why he’s doing this now. Maybe it’s because he never got the chance to be single after his marriage ended. It’s possible he wants the freedom to try life without having to put a romantic partner first — or even second or third. His wife just moved out, right? Perhaps he wants to figure out how he’ll spend time with children who used to visit him and their mother in the same home.

Whatever the reason, he’s telling you he’s on his own path with this; you’re not partners in the adjustment. It’s confusing after all this time, but that’s your reality.

My advice: Tell him to go away instead of becoming his friend. Put yourself first. See what life is like without him.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

It only takes one in a relationship to walk away. CUPPAJOESEATTLE

Beginning a relationship with a married man — an “affair” — usually doesn’t end well. The first red flag was that you divorced quickly and he did not. . . . It’s over and you should move on with dignity — and lessons learned. AUNTTIGGYWINK

If you got divorced toward the beginning of the affair — why didn’t *you* explore your options? Did you date other people, or did you go all-in on this guy for five years? Ask yourself: Why? DANGLEPARTICIPLE

You say the relationship had its ups and downs. Concentrating on the downs right now might help. No relationship is perfect, but it might help if you can try to see it realistically instead of idealizing it. Make a list of all the negatives. EACB

It sounds like you think “giving him space” will let him figure things out and then come back to you. That’s not what’s happening here. . . . There are never any guarantees in relationships, especially if you are dating a married person. That’s always a wild card. JSMUS

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2023-04-26 09:26:50Z

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