According to my records, I’ve said “I love you”—like, in a romantic context—to five men in my life. Only two of them were guys with whom I was in anything resembling a serious, committed relationship, and if we’re all being real honest with ourselves here, those were probably the times I least meant it—when I’ve said it because it felt like it was time or the natural next step or because they said it and if I didn’t say it back, then what were we really doing here?
Where we defend a controversial sex/dating strategy.
As for the other times, the times I’ve known I meant it beyond a shadow of a doubt? Those have all been when I’ve said it randomly—in life-altering three-month situationships or in bed with romantically ambiguous fuck buddies or other people’s boyfriends, aka the times you’re definitely not “supposed” to say it.
Now, has my loose-lipped way with those three little words always “worked out” for me in the traditional sense, i.e. the one in which you get an “I love you too” back and that elevates your courtship to the next level on ye olde relationship escalator? Nope! In one notable case, it literally left me crying myself to sleep in someone’s bed, a man whose best attempt at meeting me halfway came out as, “I think there are parts of you I could have loved,” which remains one of the most devastating things anyone has ever said to me to this very day!
But have I ever regretted it? Not for a single second. If anything, I wish I’d told more people—more crushes and flings and other partners in romantic ambiguity—that I loved them when I felt it, even if it wasn’t “the right time.” The way I see it, “I love you” is a feeling, not a contract or a commitment or a strategic stepping stone on the way to some kind of end goal. I think there’s something to be said for saying “I love you” when you feel it, just because you feel it, without expecting anything in return or because you’re trying to advance a relationship to the next stage. An “I love you” given freely, spontaneously—one whose validity doesn’t hinge on reciprocation—is, in my opinion, more pure and ultimately more meaningful than one carefully planned and executed with a desired result in mind.
Think about other, non-romantic, loved ones in your life. Do you remember the first time you told your best friends you loved them? Probably not! You probably just started saying it at some point because you felt it. So why should romantic love be any different? The only reason, as far as I can tell, is because society’s mononormative ideals have taught us that romantic love is a finite resource, one that should be used sparingly and strategically. This, if you ask me, is a sad way to live! My Pisces is showing, I know, but love, IMO, is infinitely renewable, and your life and your heart can hold as many “I love you”s as you have to give to as many people as you care to give them to. I don’t think an “I love you,” fully felt and freely given, is ever wasted, even if it goes unrequited. Say it when you feel it, because you mean it, and say it whenever you damn well please.
About a month ago, I was on a fifth or sixth date (around the time you stop counting) with a guy I was starting to like a lot when he said, “I love you.” He said this because we were a few drinks in at an Upper East Side disco bar and he admitted to kind of wanting a Red Bull vodka and I said, “Actually that sounds really good right now,” and he said, “I love you.”
My brain immediately went, “Omg I love you too!” And then it stopped me before I could say anything. Because what if he just meant it in an “lol I love you” kind of way and he thinks I mean it in a “let’s get married” kind of way? What if it’s too soon or the wrong time or I ruin everything?
This, obviously, was unlike me. Later on, it occurred to me that the only reason I hadn’t said it, when I’ve blurted it out with such reckless abandon so many other times, was because I genuinely liked this person and was beginning to see the faint outline of a potential future with him on the horizon. In other words, I was scared. Why when I’m the most emotionally invested am I the least willing to actually be vulnerable? I hate that! It’s stupid! That’s not how I want to live and certainly not how I want to love.
Anyway, the point of this story is: I wish I had said it, right there at midnight on a fifth or sixth date over Redbull vodkas. Life’s short, choose chaos.
Associate Sex & Relationships Editor
https://news.google.com/rss/articles/CBMiRWh0dHBzOi8vd3d3LmNvc21vcG9saXRhbi5jb20vc2V4LWxvdmUvYTQ0NTM0MTA0L3NheS1pLWxvdmUteW91LWVhcmx5L9IBAA?oc=5
2023-07-13 19:18:26Z
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