Looking for signs that I might find someone
Q. I am a 28-year-old gay man who has never been in a committed relationship. I have tried to talk to many people in hopes of sparking something, however it never leads to anything.
I’ve tried dating online, in person, and through friends, but have been unsuccessful. It usually goes nowhere or the person just wants sex. When people find out about my nonexistent dating history they are shocked. They list the reasons: To them, I’m “funny, cute, romantic, and anyone would be lucky” to have me. I feel the same way. But unfortunately that isn’t the reality.
I even saw psychics, maybe paying way more than the average person, doing aura and karma cleanses, thinking that maybe I have some bad juju floating around me. I keep seeing signs that indicate something is coming (Angel Numbers), but the good luck never comes. I am, however, very successful in my career and have a good work-life balance.
My question is: Is there something I am doing wrong? In my opinion, I am checking all the boxes that need to be checked and have even given up on finding someone to see if it will find me. That was over a year ago. I enjoy hearing your thoughts and would love to know what you think.
BAD JUJU
A. I don’t believe we find love when we’re not looking.
It helps to do the work. After a year off, give yourself permission to scroll, swipe, and communicate with new people.
I can’t tell you why you haven’t found a serious relationship, but maybe it’s because you’re seeking commitment right off the bat. Perhaps your process can be more about finding good company and having fun. Sometimes, with less pressure, a casual thing turns into something more.
Also, some apps might be designed to help people make more substantial connections. I have not used Archer (I am not the demo; it’s for gay men), but “finding the one” is in its description on the app store.
It feels empty to advise you to be patient — because you have been — and I know you’re frustrated. But these things can take so much time.
Try to enjoy this era as much as possible. It sounds like you have a wonderful life (job, friends, interests, etc.). That’s why I don’t think you’re experiencing bad luck at all.
By the way, I’m sure some people here will tell you to stop focusing on the stars, aura cleanses, and numbers. I say: Do what feels good, fun, and useful. Just don’t spend a full paycheck on it.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
You sound like a very goal-oriented person, and that could be part of the problem. You don’t go from being single to being in a committed relationship by following a concrete plan. You do it by continuing to meet people and seeing if/how you connect with each of them. It’s a messy, uneven process. And even if you “succeed” by establishing a long-term relationship with someone, nurturing and growing it are another story entirely.
TERMINATER5
There is no external, cosmic force working against you, letter writer. You are experiencing what most of the dating world experiences, i.e. a lack of success until you suddenly find success. But I agree with Meredith that it’s time for you to get back on those apps and actively date. To be happy, focus less on your ultimate goal of a “serious relationship” and more on enjoying dating itself. You’re meeting new people! Trying new restaurants/activities! Hearing fresh anecdotes! Gathering new stories to laugh about with friends later!
BACKSEATDRIVER85
“I keep seeing signs that indicate something is coming (Angel Numbers), but the good luck never comes.” That should be a BIG sign that all of this stuff is nonsense. It will either happen or it won’t, but relying on a false sense of hopefulness based on some random cards or numbers is going to continue to disappoint you.
-ALFA-
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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2024-07-03 15:43:46Z
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