Raising Baby T. Rex: That All-Consuming Love - Autostraddle

I can’t believe I’m about to type this. Past versions of myself in parallel timelines are appalled and confused. I didn’t know that I would ever feel this way, about any person, place, or thing, but it’s my truth now.

I didn’t understand unconditional love until I met Remi.

Not that I’m saying my love typically comes with specific conditions or that a mother’s love is unique. It’s more like my love, my deepest love, my love for my family, even, has always made it to a maximum point, but after that point, my human need for self-preservation comes first. This isn’t a negative way to view relationships with others. Self-preservation is important and having boundaries is healthy.

It’s just that I didn’t know that all-consuming love, that drunk in love, that crazy in love, with the pyrotechnics and the heavy downbeat. I’ve never experienced that with my romantic loves, even with Waffle. Yes, our love is real and there have been many times when we’ve experienced incandescent, fiery connection. But I have never wanted to give all of myself completely. I won’t. I didn’t know that I was capable of it.

Until I came to know Remi.

I told my mom recently that I understand love differently now, as a parent, and that I appreciate even more all the love she and my dad have held for my sister and me. There is no way I could love her the way I now recognize that she loves me. There’s no way that Remi will love me the way I love her.

When Remi was little and couldn’t sit up yet, she loved to experience the textures of her world. I would sometimes lay her on a playmat in her diaper, put our softest baby blankets in the clothes dryer to heat them up, then float the blankets over her bare body and snuggle her up in the radiating heat. If you’ve ever put on your softest, most comfortable clothes right out of the dryer, it’s like that, but imagine you’re a tiny person and someone is so-gently covering every inch of your bare skin in that gently pulsing warmth.

That’s how I love her, that delicate trembling love, that sun-beam bright brilliant love, that lazy afternoon nap so cozy curled up under the blankets and waking refreshed love. I don’t think there’s an adequate word in the English language for the feeling. I love her more than anyone, including myself.

Today, Remi fell asleep in my arms for the first time in a long time. She usually sleeps in her room upstairs for her nap, but I was on a work call and didn’t get her up there in time, so she came over and wanted to be picked up. She watched my conference screen for a while and then put her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes. I’d forgotten how good it felt to hold her, asleep, against my chest, with her arms wrapped around my shoulders. I forgot how right it felt and how it brought out this side of me that is completely in tune with her every movement.

I knew when she transitioned into R.E.M. sleep by the slight jerky movements of her fingers on my clavicle, how deeply she was sleeping by the pace and pitch of her breath. I remembered from when she was little the way she gets slightly sweaty when she sleeps soundly and the smell of her hair a couple of days out from the last shampoo. We slept like that for an hour and by the time I woke her from her cuddle nap, I felt calmer than I’d felt for days.

I didn’t know I was capable of loving someone on this level. I don’t think it only happens in parent-child relationships. I think, I guess some people must experience feelings like this in romantic relationships. I just never have. I would be sad to lose my loved ones, very sad, but I would survive it. I’d be utterly and completely devastated to lose Remi. I don’t know if I’d ever be OK again. I’m knocking on wood right now, hoping to protect her and my heart.

If you’ve learned anything about me from reading my writing on Autostraddle, you know I hate being vulnerable. Being a parent has made me more vulnerable than I would ever choose to be. I can’t believe I love Remi this much.

On my second mother’s day last weekend, Remi and I had a low key day at home. “Happy Mother’s Day,” she wished me, loudly scream-shouting, when prompted. “Thank you, baby! I love you,” I replied, knowing she didn’t fully understand and not caring that she couldn’t.

3 Queer Parenting Things I’m Currently Overprocessing

1. Two Indoor Cats and One Outdoor Cat

I don’t know how two very indoor cats ended up with a demanding outdoor cat, but we sure did. It’s been rainy and chilly most of the week and Remi keeps looking out the windows forlornly, whining, “I wanna go outside! She’s constantly trying to negotiate for trips to the park or play in our backyard. I finally gave in today and set her upon our front porch despite the rainy drizzle and cold, wet everything.

All she wants is to be in the outdoors, getting messy, splashing in puddles, and galloping free.

2. Thing I Googled This Week

rainy day fun toddler
work at home parent ideas
what age independent play over
Rochester universal pre-k waiting list

3. Shark Teeth in Different Shapes and Sizes

Remi’s favorite book at the moment is Goodnight Shark! by Adam Gamble and Mark Jasper. She wants to read it before bed and any other time, too. She has it mostly memorized and can remember the names of the different kind of sharks.

On my most recent work trip, I was able to buy Remi three sharks teeth “in different shapes and sizes,” which is a line in Goodnight Shark. She was thrilled!

I also got her this toy plane to help her get emotionally prepared for our big flight to A-Camp! Coming soon! Remi and I are so excited to see you! We’ll bring Goodnight Sharks to share if she’s still into it!

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