Dear Richard,
A friend has told me he’s been on a few dates with an ex of mine and he’d like to take it further.
In a way I shouldn’t mind – we broke up over a year ago. And we were all at college together, where a lot of ‘romantic musical chairs’ took place, so scenarios like this aren’t unheard of.
However, this is really troubling me. Partly it’s practical – I think it’s going to be really weird all going out together. But it’s also stirred up feelings of loss and regret about a relationship I didn’t exactly fight to preserve. I keep thinking that if my friend sees something in this girl that I missed, maybe I should have been looking harder. Equally, I guess I feel a bit hurt that she sees something in him that she didn’t find in me.
Lastly, I’m concerned for my friend, who isn’t very experienced and seems to have fallen for my ex quite hard: I don’t want him to get hurt if she cools off and moves on after six months, as she did with me (she’s had two relationships and a couple of hook-ups that we know of since we broke up).
What’s the best way to play this? I suppose I could just aim to see less of my friend for a while, but I think I would resent that.
— Andy, Bucks
Dear Andy,
Whoa!!! You’re assuming way too much responsibility, involvement and control over this. Frankly, you have almost none. And why should you? You need to back right off for everyone’s sake.
OK, so you dated this person for a while. It didn’t work out. If she wasn’t now seeing your friend, you probably wouldn’t have a clue about who she was involved with, would you? Let alone care. I accept that the fact she’s still moving in your circle complicates things, but if it wasn’t complicated it wouldn’t be life.
Andy, you need to pull the card marked ‘sophisticated’ from the pack. You should try to adopt a rather more urbane, poised… well, cool attitude. Your ex is seeing your friend. So? Let them get on with it, make their own mistakes, find their own happiness. And for goodness sake, stop agonising over all those might-have-beens. Let your friends live in their present, and look to your own future. Let the past lie. If I were 30 years younger, I’d summarise all of this in a single word. Chill!
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2023-05-03 10:00:00Z
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