“How Long Should You Wait For Someone You Love To Notice You?” - British Vogue

Dear Eva,

I have a friend I’m low-key in love with. She’s in a relationship with a normal guy who seems fine, but honestly I know it’s not going to last. I really care about the friendship, but ultimately want more. I’m OK hanging around for a while because I feel fairly certain she’s the one. My question is, am I being a bad friend if I know I’m basically waiting for the relationship to end so I can swoop in?

Dan

Dear Dan,

I think – and maybe I’m wrong, it has been known – that this is one of those things, like energy drinks for breakfast, where the appropriateness hinges quite dramatically on the age of everyone involved. If you’re in your teens, behaviour like this is adorable and romantic, and arguably an essential step on the ladder towards love and understanding and self-knowledge and satisfaction. As you approach your 30s, however, the situation becomes a little less clear.

I will assume you’re not a dick. This is how I approach the world now. It’s good. I walk out of my door in the morning consciously deciding to assume the best of everyone. The man muttering at the bus stop is not a dick, the person leaving me on read on WhatsApp is not a dick, the woman who won’t get out of my kid’s way is not a dick, and you, you are not a dick. Which means it should go without saying you’re not trying to break the relationship up. You’re treating her partner with respect, you’re laughing at his jokes, you’re not firing seemingly friendly questions at her that will force her to lie awake later wondering if she’s missing red flags or if his walk is weird. In short, you’re not performing quiet acts of romantic sabotage, so I don’t think you’re doing anything unforgivably awful by remaining friends with her – but it is questionable.

You say you care about the friendship; would you still be friends with her even if you knew for sure nothing would happen between you? Is this actually a friendship, or, in your head, are you the main character in the first 70 minutes of a Netflix rom-com, before the airport dash or grand gesture? Is she happy? If she is, your job as a friend is to support her and her relationship choices. Which sounds trite, I know, but it’s truly the very least a friend can do. If your feelings make that too hard, you might want to give your friendship some distance. It might not be a friendship at all.

But I think the real issue here is not the quality of your friendship, or really anything to do with her at all. I think what you should be concerned about is the life you’re not living while you wait for a life with her. The concept of “the one” is as dangerous as it is seductive; its simplicity masks a whole reservoir of problems, the main one here being that by focusing on her and only her, a person already entangled in her own love affair, you are preparing to let a whole life pass you by. You are not fated to be together, and simply waiting it out does not guarantee you love. You have the ability, now, to save yourself from months or years of pining, not by breaking up her relationship, but by breaking up with the fantasy you’ve been building in your head. It’s tricky, but it’s possible; be horribly honest with yourself, talk to someone about how you’re feeling, make plans, distract yourself. Don’t commit yourself to afternoons of sour pains and tastes, third-wheeling, waiting. Go out. Give up. Live.

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2023-11-17 12:24:17Z

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