Intimacy: Can It Be Blind? Can Love? - Psychology Today

There is a reality show on Netflix called “Love Is Blind”. In it a dozen or so attractive men and women in their 20s to 50s stay in separate quarters and go on blind dates. Each room is comfortably furnished with couch, table, a drink of choice, and an opaque glass wall between his and hers. They can hear each other perfectly but see not even a shadow of the other.

The intended goal for all is to meet the love of their life and become engaged to be married. (Politically correctly, either man or woman can propose.) If the proposal is accepted, they can finally meet in person as an engaged couple. They then live together in some gloriously lavish resort for a brief amount of time, at the end of which there is an elaborate wedding staged for them. It is at that moment, at the altar, that they can accept or reject the marriage vows, stay, or leave if they have not already resolved their relationships

During the blind dates many have notebooks with questions they have prepared: “What do you like to do in your spare time?” Some go straight for the personal disclosure: “What are you most afraid of?” Many seem to know very quickly who they are not interested in—wrong accent, wrong questions, wrong answers, or just intuition. They are crossed off lists for further blind dates.

By the second or third date many have.favorites whom they want to know better. (Maybe it takes a bit longer, but it's edited this way.) The men discuss among themselves, as do the women, their impressions of the individuals they have “dated" and often stake their claim by declaring who they are interested in.

Eventually a couple meets in person and individuals set eyes for the first time on their new fiancé. They always hug, many kiss, and all look pleased by how the other looks. Each feels s/he knows the other through their previous intimate talks. It’s only during the living-together phase that thorns appear among the roses: One is messy, the other neat; one talks to mother every day, the other doesn’t even think to do so.

The same program setup is available for Japanese and for Brazilians. Cultural differences couldn’t be more glaring. The Japanese seem to thank one another for every answer. When the engaged see each other for the first time, there is far more bowing going on than hugging, and no kissing at all. When they live together in splendor during the pre-honeymoon, it seems obvious to the viewer that the rooms are set up so that they can, and most do, sleep apart. Not so with the Americans, with few exceptions.

The Brazilian version of the same show is far more sexualized. Many of the women wear revealing clothes even when alone in the private rooms. When the engaged couple meets for the first time, one woman jumps into the arms of her fiancé with her legs around him. In a couple who hug for the first time, a man grabs his new fiance´’s bottom. No one is bowing or saying thank you!.

Although the TV shows were fascinating and the cultural differences obvious and enormous, the point is that everyone seems surprised by the show’s outcome, in that intimate conversation can override long-held beliefs, such as “I only go for tall blonds” or "I wouldn’t marry outside my race/culture/religion". It’s as if none of these people has ever heard of getting to know the person you intend to marry. That’s what dating is about!. That’s what old-fashioned courting is about!

While there is such a thing as love at first sight, there is also love at first sound if the other’s voice beguiles you., Most important, love can blossom when one discloses to another without fear of being judged or when one hears the many private feelings that the other is willing to share. Such personal sharing creates a bond called intimacy.

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If you combine intimacy with how the other looks, sounds, smells, kisses, and more—which is what most dating establishes in the U.S.—it’s a winner. But intimacy, especially to those who have never before experienced it with another person, can override it all.

So, is love blind? It can be. Most of us are fortunate to add in all the other input to make a better equation and a better choice of mate.

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